An Ode to the Double Life
By Nikita Satapathy
As a brown woman, the idea of “Two sides of the same coin” is, in fact, a motto I take in stride. Being born and raised in the United States has created an internal conflict in my own cultural identity. I assume the role of multiple labels: woman, Indian-American, Brooklyn-born, perpetual student. But it is ultimately in my control, after much tailored practice, how I choose to demonstrate these labels. I tolerate the 60’s Golden Era Bollywood hits my parents played in the car while I jam my Beats headphones over my ears and blast hits by Kendrick Lamar or Fleetwood Mac. While maintaining the facade of innocence and purity in the house, I would perform little acts of rebellion as a way of expressing myself. A lotus tattoo near my breast. Highlighting my hair to almost blonde. Eating vegetarian on a Hindu holy day while binge drinking later on in the evening.
Being a brown woman is walking a fine line between discipline and disarray. While you are expected to settle down with a good career, a perfect man, and multiple children, what happens to the life that you led prior to all of this happening? Are you supposed to suppress it and let it fester in your mind until its replaced by taxes, playdates, and gossip with your fellow aunties? Or, can you find a way to let bits and pieces of your inner self show, despite what others might say?
As I continue to grow and be exposed to a multicultural and multi-belief society, I realize that the simplicity that your parents or guardians preach is not always that simple. Nothing is black and white. Everything is gray. And while wearing gray will supposedly not go with my dark skin tone, it does make it easier to acknowledge that I will never be the perfect daughter. I have flaws and am not “fair and lovely”. I am actually quite the opposite: dusky and not subtle. So yes, I will continue to drink lattes and eat biriyani and expose my skin to the sun. In this way, I am both and nothing at all.
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