On Loving Me

By: Namuzeyi (Zeyi) Moise

I was born in the Dominican Republic of Congo, only to find out that my own government wanted to kill anyone who looked like me – anyone from the Tutsi tribe. Hopping from concentration camp to concentration camp, we were told that my family was the next to die. Fortunately, that wasn’t God’s plan. After being rescued 16 months later and brought to Phoenix, Arizona for a better life, I soon realized that people still looked at me like I didn’t belong. Countless times, I was told “go back to where you came from, you cockroach”. Or “you are pretty for a black girl”. Or “if your hair was longer, you would be so much prettier”. Or people simply looked at me as if I was an imbecile because I spoke differently. I began to resent who I was, where I came from, and the color of my skin. I let society define whether my existence was of any worth.

After years of struggling with confidence and self-love, I told myself that there was no way that God made a mistake bringing me into this world. This was at age 17. Modeling became my outlet. It was something that made me forget all the bad things going on in my life and let me express myself in the way I wish I could in the real world. It was as if I was living a double life. Here I was in front of a camera – proud of where I came from, in love with the color of my skin, expressing how I really felt through emotions. When those moments of bliss were over, I went back to reality and again, I was ashamed for being different. I was unhappy and miserable.

Eventually, I stopped the double life and made who I was in front of the camera who I was all the time. I began to be more confident in myself. I began to speak up for myself. I began to do what made me happy. It was a hard transition because women in my culture don’t always have a voice. My education and confidence became a threat to the opposite sex. They thought that I was too vocal. Women have shed blood and tears for my right to voice my opinion and I was not going to give that up just for the possibility of someone loving me.  

I realized that if I didn’t love myself, the right people would never love me. I am only growing more confident in myself and that has made me a stronger woman. I have realized that the moment you stop giving people so much power over your life is the moment you find self-love. I still have my really low moments, and times I don’t always find myself beautiful, but my point is: I want people to know that my love for me is based on me; not their perception of me. Those who truly love you will always be by your side through your growth and encourage you to keep pushing through. Always trying to fit into the social norm can hinder you from truly being able to see God’s purpose for you. You are loved by the King, which is the greatest love one can have.